New Years...

So another year is winding away to an end and with this comes resolutions...

I haven't really done the resolution thing, I'm sure I have blurted something out to a group when it was asked in past years but I never really think to have one. This year I am considering thinking of something that I could possibly want to change...

No I'm not perfect, I am very far from it and probably more imperfect than the average person. I think I really need to alter somethings in my life though and I hope that I can. I have changed and become something that is even unrecognizable to even me. Who am I anymore? I have asked this question many times over and over and I just cant figure it out.

I stay awake at night because it is when I feel I can grasp a hold on myself, a hold that maybe I will be able to shake some sense into myself but there is never any such luck.

"There is an idea of a (Stephen McLeod); some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

~ Kira

I lay awake at night for it is the only time I have to myself and the only time I am able to think...
Not too sure why I find the night so comforting to myself nor why it is the only time I feel as if my brain is working to its full ability. Most of my thoughts that I have at night do not resolve the things that may arise for the day time body I send out to work and to interact with others. I believe the true me just waits for the night to show himself when no one else is around. Does this mean that I am fake all other times? I don't believe so I just think there is a clone of me, one with less personality and less function ability that walks around in the day with the rest of the day walkers. The Night walker and Day walker used to co-exist but they have become separated over time and I have no idea why. I am not whole as long as the two halves continue not to coexist with one another... The Night me has good Ideas but the day me never follows through, I need a common ground and I need it soon.

Kira!

Why do I just not want to be here?

Everyday I become more and more annoyed with the idea of being in the States.

"Just go" I am told but it's not that simple or is it?

Sometimes I just want to pick up and just go but where to and how without money?

I want to land a job in another country.

A lot of people criticize me about my idea of wanting to do something so "drastic" but it really isn't.

The whole idea of doing something like this isn't like im trying to escape anything or maybe I am and that being the rountine of everyday life.

I just want to try something else out for a while to see whether not I can leave everything behind and remain "sane".

The idea of waking up every morning and not knowing a purpose of my existence puts me in the state of uncertainty which leads me to believe that I do not belong "here". Being intrigued quite often by the differences in other cultures and just life makes me want more. Everytime i take a short break I realize more and more I just want to try a different step and get off this elevator to no where.

Who Am I? Where do I belong? I just don't fit in...

~ Kira

... There are no answers

A search only turns up empty and hope remains a foolish idea.
No sense in looking, for there is nothing to be sought out.
The idea of closure is only available in death.
There is no help and there need not be any, this is a battle that can be won alone.
Completion seems to be missing so many pieces...
Were we not born with all the pieces that make this puzzle whole?
A puzzle may not come with instructions but does contain the pieces needed to be completed...

I think I'm missing my pieces...

~Kira

Its late and I'm up...

What's new huh?

nothing is different tonite than any other night of being up but inspired to blog yet again. I find myself watching Anthony Bourdain...

No, not another travel blog...

I am pensive about a lot but I feel as if I have no words to describe my thoughts tonite, yet I blog about nothing.

There is definitely something missing in my life and yet pin pointing it has become harder and harder as the days fly by...

There are just so many things it could be but I feel ignorant to much and also myself. Where is it?

I asked myself tonite if I was ever truly happy and I responded with, No...

Now I'm contemplating whether this may actually be true... As much as I would like to spend time dwelling on the question as well as the answer; I'd only be able to do it tonite which I won't, for I must sleep and tomorrow I will have forgotten or let pass...

Confusion continues...

I was asked today "how do u stay drama free?"

I responded along the lines of not allowing things to bother me and assessing the situation and putting myself at fault.

Drama is allowed by the person who is experiencing it... I tend to stay away from drama and I don't require it in my life so I push it away. Drama goes hand and hand with Stress although the two are not the same in my eyes. Drama isn't my inspiration for blogging right now though so I am moving on...

Today I was doing what I quite often find myself doing as of late, reading travel blogs. I realized I haven't even attempted to blog about my South America trip which was so incredible. At first I didn't do it because I said I needed to gather my thoughts and then I totally just put it off. Now I am at the point where I don't know if it will have the same effect if put into writing, which really sucks but I will definitely do it this weekend.

I no longer think I will blog about my longing to get away because it just seems like words, not that I wont do it but I can't do it until my financial situation allows it. I think what I will do tonight is calculate how long it will take me to pay off my bills so I can purchase my ticket. Today my favorite posting was of Nomadic Matt on his "Why Americans Still don't Travel" It was such a great read. He touched upon it in an approach I probably wouldn't have taken exactly but did it in a way I never thought to do it. Great read and deserves a once over also the comments left are pretty good.

Motivation is key and I have made the first step in motivating myself for something a little more and I hope to continue... I want to consistently blog rather than just having thoughts in my head and letting them float away.

I was considering allowing 0ne or two people on my trip to South East Asia but after a recent encounter with a new human, I realized I have to do it alone. Not because I don't want company but I need to do it for myself. Lets see if I have as much heart as I bark out there.

Post made in reply to Nomadic Matt...

http://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/why-americans-still-dont-travel-overseas/

What a well written article... I really enjoyed the read. I agree with you 100% you have no idea how many people get into arguments with me about the same subject matter. I for one have not traveled nearly as much as you but I'm definetly going to get there. This year alone I have been to 6 countries (Domincan Republic, Enlgand, Irelan, Peru, Argentina and Brazil). If people were less concerned with the idea of money and just more open minded about what's in the world they would see that there isn't a price tag that can be put on the experiences had on these trips. Another thing that one does to limit their experience is the (All Inclusive) way of traveling which really isn't traveling its a vacation that isn't really worth the $$$.

I am far from a history buff and never really enjoyed the subject being taught in school, but upon touching down in an unfamiliar place with the limited knowledge gained from google; I gain a history lesson like no book could ever give. To hear someone talk about their country with the love and passion means so much more than you can ever get from anything in pictures. Seriously, how does one really describe a place like Machu Picchu to another who has never been there? You simply can't put an actual mind blowing experience in words.

I love how you touched upon "If you want a beach, go to Florida.” This is something I have a lot of debates with because I think Florida is completely overrated being from the Caribbean. I refuse to even step one foot in a beach here in the US. I have been pampered with amazing beaches to settle for less and I know when I hit Thailand that I will be blown away even further.
I only wish I could travel more and till this day refuse to take a vacation day unless im heading on a flight somewhere...
All in all great post Thank You.

Why do I continue to read all these travel blog sites?

This is probably more me than I want to even believe myself... There is something out there that is lacking by me staying here. It feels as if there is no future for me here, I can't see anything worth staying for. I have no career, girl, kids or family... why is it that I just stay then? Fear?

Maybe fear is the most logical reasoning behind my decision no to just pick up and go, but there is also one other thing, Money. How does one just pick up to leave without having any money to do so? I know I could rough it but for how long? Making it my duty to find ways to make money when on the travel I have contacted a friend who has skills in which I would like to learn. Learning these skills link directly to travel blogging and also giving me something else to work with in life...

Do I want to leave forever?

I doubt I want to leave forever but I do want to leave for an extended period of time. This could definitely effect me in a negative way but it can also lead to something so much bigger and everyone makes mistakes right? So here is a "mistake" I would like to make to see if it was all for the best or for the worst. Frankly I just want to change atmospheres, learn something from myself and maybe just growing into myself.

What ever the reason may be I just don't feel as if I should remain within the environment I am currently apart of... I want more and who can tell if that more is out there? The answer is No one but myself and I want to find out.

I need myself to let me free from my captivities in which I hold myself... The strongest hold one can have on themselves from doing what it is they want to do is themselves and I plan to break that hold... I only hope I am strong enough to do so :/

Am I ready???

I have found myself falling in love with every country I touch down upon and hating America more each time. "Hating America" may sound bad but its not the way many people perceive it to be when I say it. Traveling has opened my eyes to so many new things, allowing me to realize that the world doesn't just fall under this one country... Every time I return "home" my eyes are closed yet again, I fall into the same patterns of life and I return to the zombie like pattern of life. Why is this, if every time I escape I find myself? Am I falsely being impacted by my experiences? This can't be when I feel it so deep inside of my soul... I want to call it "brainwashing" which is what I consider most people in America. We all seem to follow the same pattern all though we may take different roads and that road is paved in green. Seems to me like its the only thing that matters in this country, without it you have failed and with failure where is the happiness...

I just want to know when it is I will be willing to leave behind everything and just leave, Live somewhere else for a year or so. See if all I know is America and if its all I can ever know. Self motivation has been limited on my part and I know not why... I have become a talker but gears need to shift into a "go-getter" mode.

~I just don't seem to belong here...

...

I haven't really blogged much lately and I need to pick it back up... A lot has been traveling through my mind but I haven't really had the inspiration to write it all down, but im going to make an effort to get back on a more active blogging tip. I also need to get more active on my Travel Blog site... Well this is short and just a spark so I can keep it going.

Returning from my vacation wasn't a bad thing and nor do I dread being back... I just can't figure out something and I don't know what it is I want to figure out. For some reason I think I want more from life but really don't know what it is... This is the weirdest set of thoughts I have been having I just can't figure out my purpose. Yesterday I wrote "The more I travel the more I realize I just don't have a home anymore" I guess by that I mean I just don't want to belong to the society of America... So why not move huh? I keep asking myself the same question but how do I get out with no money? Blah seems to be the problem with it all eh... lol Idk but I'm sure my place doesn't lie here because what do I have to show for it? I wish more Americans would travel around the world because there is just too much to see... NEXT UP... Thailand.

I have recently been telling myself that I am just not myself... If this is the case and I'm not myself then who the fuck Am I? I cannot seem to find an answer... Somewhere in my mind there is a me or at least who I used to be and who I knew. As days go on and I watch my actions through some realm of which I can not act but only watch as my dark driver controls my every move. Why has this become what it is that I am? How do I regain control?

I ask many questions for which I have no answers... All I can do is search for the answers but as soon as I feel I have an answer my dark driver swerves and I fall back in the passenger seat...

Sometimes I wonder if I really want to regain control or if I'm happy with just allowing my dark passenger to take the wheel... Am I happy in this situation? No, I can't be because it's not me or at least not who I used to be. Used to be? Do I really remember who I was or are those just my joyous memories? I am pretty sure this isn't who I am or who I am supposed to be...

The desensitization of my soul and my mind has transformed me into inhuman being... I have somehow managed to control my emotions to a surprisingly scary level that I feel as if detached from humanity.... My mask of sanity isn't slipping anymore, it has fallen completely and I am bare...

Hopefully I can regain my control before it is too late...

~Kiraaaaaa

Over time I have found myself drifting further and further away from society... What has caused this change within my life? I have yet to determine. Falling out of contact with human contacts who were once considered "friends" and moving on to a lifestyle often joked about

(Michael Douglas in his role as Nicholas Van Orton in The Game) "except the rich part" I would say. Now it seems this is the way I want to live, but is it? Recently I haven't believed this although inside I'm ready for it and outside preparing for it.

Back in the days I was a very joyous person, now I have become a bit more miserable and I don't think I'm enjoying it. Eh... why now? Why is it a big deal and why do I even care? I guess its the drastic change in lifestyles. If I had to pinpoint anything in particular that could have contributed to this change I would say its my "trying to fit in/to feel like a "human"". This needs to be explained because maybe I only see it this way. Here goes me trying to explain: I have never "tried to fit in" ever, I have always been a leader. Being a leader I did things my way and didn't fall into any particular group so I was an outcast yet someone who did in deed "fit in" but in so many different groups that I had no real "home".

Not having a home was no biggy for me at all because that was my home, my home as a nomad. Now I move through years of life starting in college I get surrounded by many people who were all same, different but alike. The reason I say that they were the same is because they wore their emotions on their sleeves. For me to say that it seems as if they were just emotional wrecks but not quite, they complained and let little things become issues of concern. I often excluded myself and found myself becoming more and more antisocial. When this happened to me I decided it wasn't in my character to be a judge of others but to just except and by excepting I fell into the "lifestyle", the lifestyle of unhappiness.

LOL @ "The lifestyle of unhappiness", Anyways this made me feel weird because now I was finding reason to agree with petty shit and start to join in with this nonsense. All of this got old really quick making me once again exclude myself from the grasp that this sort of Society had on these people. They were all slaves to a society of complaining, gossip and unhappiness (Although they would wear a mask of happiness from time to time).

Now here I am thinking on the matter... finding myself... looking for answers... Trying to regain control over me.... I am a slave, a slave to what I have allowed society to do to that 5 year old boy of happiness. (If I remember I shall do a blog on the 5 year old who has died) <--- my reminder. Why is it a task to be happy now? Why do I feel the only way I can really deal with people is with a social lubricant? I know I don't but I do. I find myself talking and thinking at the same time not allowing the moment to be... I want to regain my sanity, for my insanity has captured me as does the Symbiote... (Another piece)

Enslaved in a "free" country

Watching Anthony Bourdain... I just start to get the thinking. Something about the way he does it just makes it so right, almost in the way of putting me to tears. Anthony makes me feel enslaved, Enslaved in a way where there is no freedom for me. I find myself wondering how I can do what it is that he does because he is truly happy, to hear him talk is to read one of the greatest books about some mystical place in the universe, which is not only great but unreachable... But, they all are.

What is it that keeps so many Americans in fear of flying the coupe? I have thought this over and over again, the thing I come up with is the hold of the American Culture which is based upon a mindset of not happiness but wealthiness. Is money important? Of course it is but how important is it? Its not everything, it can't be everything and yet in society we live like its the only thing there is to life, but is this our fault? I want to say no and I will, America has formulated in our minds that without money we are in a line heading to that bench, staircase or even floor in the train station for shelter. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't life be lived carefree and happy? Is this irresponsible? I haven't traveled no where near as much as Anthony and probably never get there but with the little I have taken I have been touched in a way I can't explain. Although I have not done it right yet but I have been doing it as much as I can. As much as I can? Is there to be a limit on doing this? Yes there is money, right?

Why is it that people are happier in other countries? Don't get me wrong im sure a lot of people are more miserable than my writing may be indicating with me but thats not what im aiming for, I just think that there is so much out in the world and not enough time to see it all. I guess it all comes down to "Fear". The Fear of not being willing or capable to see these places, its a fear that makes me think in my head "If I leave to travel, when I return I shall be even further down the ladder of "success" than when I left" WHY? C'mon, why is it that Europeans, Australians, and Canadians can do it but most Americans never take that "RISK". A "Risk" to see something new, different, unique, fulfilling and grow as an individual? For fuckz-sake. I want to experience life... This isn't life here, its the same shit over and over. I don't even speak another language, WTF... I should know at least two and why not? Shit I don't even blame the schooling, I blame myself for not wanting it more, For not pushing myself to want it more than it being a necessity. I am more angry with not allowing myself to do these things and I will hate myself if I don't allow myself to just travel, to live Thai (Free). Yea to be free... To break the shackles of the enslavement in which I was born into and allow my "freedom" to show and be enjoyed. I need this more than anything in life, I am slowly starting to feel inhuman and I don't although comfortable feel as if this is a fulfilling way of living.

I shall set myself free... I only hope my one fear which I have pinpointed can be overcome and before it is too late. (My fear of not allowing myself to be free.)

~Kira~

*Chaos*
I have realized that I am a very miserable person... Emotions expressed have become something for me to detest. What have I become? I'm starting to look at myself and my actions, to see something monstrous. Trying to gauge myself and think more like a human has become a task, a task that I'm not able to do. I am dead emotionally and becoming even more as time goes on. I have pinpointed this to my childhood, but then again I wasn't always like this. *sigh* I feel dead and my interactions with people have become somewhat like a dream... I miss my childhood when I was free, for now I am a slave to my zombie state of mind. I can't say I like the person I have become but I can also not say that I am completely dissatisfied or surprised. I live like I'm in a hell of which I do not believe and walk around like I'm dead already. Traveling is the only thing that seems to bring me back to myself.
~ Kira

Sipping...

Often times I find my self just sitting, chillin, relaxing but thinking... Yea here I am just sipping on a Heineken and the television watches me as I stare at my computer screen. To know there is so much at my finger tips but not knowing what to look up or to read, I remain ignorant. What a waste of time and so I blog. I have been trying to get better at this blogging thing but I fail to pull together the will of just letting my fingers do what they do. I have also been thinking lately of writing and writing all sorts of things, from a screen play to things about my travels, yet I never motivate myself to do so. I continue sipping... I feel the alcohol enter my body and change what normally goes on... Its a buzz I feel.

~It can all go wrong anyways anytime
To live life in fear or concern of what could, might and probably will happen, is to not live at all. No one can prevent what is inevitably going to occur, yes we can prepare, but to prepare a lifetime for something that doesn't is to have wasted valuable time. I know I know better to be safe than sorry but who really becomes sorry for something that has happened to them. Now thinking about that phrase "you'll be sorry" it doesn't appeal to me, for if I do something I'm not supposed to do and something goes wrong, I have had the results of my actions not sorrow. Yes I should have never done it but I'm not sorry I did, kinda wish either I could have listened or I have just learned from my mistakes. I like learning from my mistakes. Living life in the moment and not in a future that isn't promised just seems to be more fulfilling to me. Today is & tomorrow is not here.

Ever get that feeling that your not the one in control of your own body? Sort of seems like your there but not there... Your kinda lingering over your own head watching as your life pans out the way it shall. Routinely carried out tasks makes this zombie of a person who is to be you goes about business and you can't interrupt for he/she can't hear you. Sort of like a dog being neglected by his owner, holding that leash, but the robot doesn't budge from his train track of a life. Change is the only way to derail this express service, when will the lay over happen again. Lay overs allows the doll to move and gather life for itself. Living is... Sometimes I think its too late, but carefree is the way to go. Too much to be seen... Eyes are open to the walls surrounding it and the sledge hammer is in hand, fuck that wall... I break things. I'm ready...

~KiRa

Super tired today... I should have really taken that nap instead of watching the first two terminators. I watched them as if I was going to go see the new movie, which is a long shot by far. I have gotten so much work done this morning and it didn't even hit 10am. Why is it that I work harder and more efficiently when I'm tired? Just doesn't make sense. Today I've been thinking a lot but not my normal thoughts more circular and away from the mind state I was in about a day or so ago, I guess its lack of sleep. I went from needing sleep badly over the weekend to depriving myself of sleep this week. Sooo tired and rambling on... I need something to get me up and going but I refuse to spend any money. Ha, I know who I shall raid for chocolate...
~Kira

The Need

There is a constant flame inside me that burns for something else, something I have yet to gather 100 percent and yet I know what it is deep down inside. I refuse to make this flame go out so I continue to add more fuel to this fire. With no one to really discuss what seems just crazy to the normal person, I sit here with thoughts and Ideas which I stand alone with. I am not normal, I don't fit the normal criteria of a human being, I am a realist and that makes me out of the ordinary. Brave new traveler sends me emails all the time with interesting reads and the more I read the more I wonder what the hell am I doing here. Yesterday a "friend" of mine decides to aim me and we get into our normal disagreements on our views. Fulfillment of life was the general idea behind our discussion, I believe there is no real fulfillment in a life that is spent in the same region of the world when there is so much more to be seen. Traveling has become a passion of mine and has always been even when I wasn't able to do it due to money, but now with little money and the many sacrifices I make, I am able to do these travels little by little. I can't understand how one can be happy with what sits in front of them, when books and television only give an idea of what's out there, I want to see it all and take it in person. I speak like I have been many places which I have not but something has always wanted to get away, to go else where, to meet new people and just to be free of the restrains which so many people stay shackled with. I know I can always be educated more and I am making a huge effort to allow myself to gain knowledge and develop my mind some more. I can't blame anyone but myself for being where I am on an educational level but I have the most powerful tool at my disposal, the internet and I shall use it to develop my mind as much as I can. There is a need, a need for so much more and there isn't enough time to make this all go to waste. My priorities are set on living a fulfilling life and being happy. Happiness is something that one can experience and hold forever. Materialistic things don't last forever but experiences will and shall hold a special place in ones heart. 

~Kira

Still doesn't make sense but a peace of mind is being found.

I will always be confused to my purpose in life...This may be but I have found an answer to what it is I really enjoy doing, which is traveling. Traveling for me is something I realize I can't do with just anyone and most of the times your all alone anyways, unless someone sees things the way you see them. I don't know why it took me so long to blog about my amazing travels but I guess I was still blown away. The combo was a great culture after culture experience of inspirational satisfaction within me. What price tag can you put on that? Fuck you only live once, right? If that be the case then money is no object as long as responsibilities are taking care of first. Dominican Republic, England and Ireland, map that shit out. It actually sounds a lot crazier now as I tell people but I mean when the price is right I take that leap. The sacrifices I make as far as not going out, buying clothes and other things I find unnecessary allow me to experience the world first hand. An imagination can go so far when reading about something in a book but an actual experience is a story to be told from the point of view of the person who has seen it. I am just very great full for all the people which I encountered on my journeys and I cannot wait till my next outing. Nothing in my life makes sense besides the fact that I love to travel, that is the one thing that makes me feel whole, that fills that void, that makes things true and feel better than anything else. I don't need to make sense out of my life anymore I just need to figure out where to go next...To be happy is to know what makes you happy and to know what makes you happy is to be insane till you are truly happy.

~ KiRa

Emotions get the best of people.

This is going to be a really quick blog because it is sort of late and I want to take a shower, I may follow up at one point in the future. I don't know if I have become dead to the world or if I have gained control over all emotions by using the brain to the ability of which it can be used within the realm of emotions. Over the years of my existence I have allowed myself to gain control over my emotions. I now at this current moment don't allow myself to get stressed or depressed. Why and how? Why? because I don't deem them necessary to my existence and how? by allowing myself to just get over things quicker or just realizing that not every bad thing is worth dwelling on. My mother used to always say to me "don't cry over spilled milk" I never once asked her what she meant about it, but gained the full meaning of it as I started to grow. My explanation for "Don't cry over spilled milk" is if something happens it has happened and there is absolutely nothing one can do about it so why not just move on with life? To dwell on something that has occurred which is now in the past is to leave no time to deal with the things that are to occur in the future. Also I feel that it means that not everything is that serious that one needs to devote so much time in effort into being upset or mad about it when eventually they will get over it anyways. This blog was inspired by a friend of mine who is dealing with some petty little bullshit that I can't really relate to because I don't have the same feelings nor do I find things to be that important that I will allow my hour, day, month or year become effected. I had to give up on my advice because I realize that not all people are like me nor do they see eye to eye with me and therefore they cannot allow themselves to take control over their emotions the way I have. There would be a lot more bullshit in the world if people would realize that life is life and what is going to happen shall happen, you can never prepare for everything so that it may all go perfect or to your liking and this is what makes life so interesting. To live life to the fullest is to enjoy every moment you can and that is by allowing yourself to obtain what makes you truly happy. What makes me truly happy is traveling and meeting new people, I shall be on my flight happy by thursday. Fuck it live life don't make it live you. 

~Kira

Just my luck

Today I played in the final game of zog sports football before my vacation and today I have also dislocated my shoulder. These things happen but its just my luck it would happen before my vacation, back in the day I would probably be upset about this sort of thing but eh it is what it is and im still going on vacation. Me being me I didn't go to the Hospital and have looked up techniques on how to deal with a dislocated shoulder which was very helpful. I think I may hit up the hospital tomorrow or a doctor somewhere to see what they say about my shoulder, I only hope that if they take xrays they tell me right then and there what I need to do because its not like I can do anything about it anyways,  I just wanna be able to swim.  :( That is the only thing that I want to do. I am sure that the shoulder has gone back into place but who knows? I am no doctor, which is why I will probably go to see one this week if it works out with my schedule. I still have things that need to be purchased for my trips so that obviously comes first. I just hope I don't drown attempting to swim. :O lol Only a few more days till departure number one and im still not excited. I will get there soon though trust me. 

Do I wait or do I look?

Confusion is the word that makes me what I am within a pensive state of mind. Nearing my vacation and nearing my "Finding Myself" Trip. I am going on 3 years at my job in which im surrounded by people who are within their career jobs and I am stranded. I refuse to get upset for there is no reason to get upset of depressed about it, but I am stuck in a position of not knowing. What is it I want to do when I grow up? and when do I grow up? Ahhhh... Age is age I really don't care, but I would like an idea of what I would like to do. I have applied to a couple of jobs but that is now a waiting game. I welcome the challenge of not knowing and not understanding but do I really need this career? I would like to have something where im a zombie till I retire being one, or do I? Thailand shall be my journey to knowing a little more about the not knowing. One thing I would like to do better is write and today I was given the idea of working on it because I don't find myself so strong of a writer. The excuses I make sometimes for myself are just pathetic and just a waste of my time which is why I have decided to blog. I go long periods without blogging and I will make a concious effort to do more as much as possible. Screenplay shall be started and also experiences. Might as well do it now I have my mac no excuses huh?

~Kira

Take everything

I sit here watching the travel channel just hoping to go everywhere, but lack of money holds me back. I make sacrifices but there has to be something else that will allow me to get out there and see what it is I would like to see. I shall take it a few steps at a time. I need so sharpen up on my history of the places in which I am going to visit. There are so many things out there that I cannot settle for what is within my reach, I need to strive for what seems unobtainable. After Thailand I shall realize what it is I need to do in my life, whether that be continuing in my field of study or finding something else to make me whole. I am starting to realize that life is all about making the self as happy as it can be. Too many people dwell on the bad things in life and allow it to stress and depress them. I often reflect back on my college days around Junior/Senior year when I came to the realization that I didn't think I knew how to have fun anymore. I have some how molded myself into someone who no longer allows stress to enter my life. I have been able to do this by not allowing myself to let others negativity influence me into following the human part of nature which gets stressed. I like the person I have been becoming but also afraid of the long term effects my transition may have on me. Fuck it! I am living life to my most extreme which I shall never know until I reach it and then I will push it even more. Tired of waiting around its time to go. DR, LONDON and DUBLIN Here I come. 

I have recently stumbled upon this site that has shown me 50 things to do before I die. I have done some of the 50 but this is just adding to my bucket list. 

http://thetravelersnotebook.com/activity-guide/50-things-to-do-before-you-die/

No one really understands...

I am a very introverted person when it comes to my personal feelings, but every now and then I like to see what kind of reaction I can get out of those who want to know. So every so few I pick a "concerned" soul and let them have a taste of what flows through the lumps and curls of my brain, I soon realize that either im crazy or people don't nor can't understand. I don't see myself as being more intellectual than others but I am very different. My mind moves in ways that I cannot grasp a hold. I remain pensive at all times even in mid conversation my mind moves a mile a minute. Why is it that people choose to try and understand what they can't? They refuse to say they have no idea of what it is I say but they try to offer information or feedback and it comes back as nothing. Maybe I just don't value the feedback given to me but im very open for constructive critism. I have never wanted to fit in to the society which I watch as it plays in front of my eyes or what I think it is im seeing...This can only go on forever but it will be continued in a later time.

So today is a day I have chosen to relax, to remain silent and enjoy the pensive mind at work. Its a peaceful laid back day at work with minimal noise because many who have religious beliefs for the most part have taken off. So as I sit here clearing my desk I enjoy the sounds of Classical artists. I spend most of my times putting up with the crap that most people listen to but today I have decided to unwind a bit. Drinking my tea which soothes the insides. Last night I watched the beach again, I can't wait to go to thailand. Although I shall be out of country in less than a month only Thailand seems to excite me. Its so necessary to figure out this jigsaw-rubix cube-maze of a life, but not entirely for that would leave no element of surprise. Why Thailand? I say why not? "If that's the way its got to be, then so be it"

As an adult that is straight forward like myself I have become quite fed up with the games that some females choose to engage in. I mean I'm not going to lie just daggering is what I'm trying to involve myself in so I don't want the beating around the bush, either ur in or ur not. I have seriously been chilling with way too many young chicks and not young in age but young in their sense of thinking. I just need to open the ramping shop only serious customers. no play play time...

I'm interested in seeing how my trip to DR shall play out. I'm hearing stories which intrigue me a bit but I will have to see how much of which are true. I just can't wait to hit the beach and enjoy beautiful salt water. I'm rolling with a first timer outside the country vacationer, so that should also be interesting. Tons of drinking shall occur. I'm not even into my first vaca and I'm thinking about a next.

My mind just loves to fuck with me...

I have been at my job over 2 yrs now and it is not necessarily what I want to do but is within my field of study. My life has become quite routine as it often does for most, but more and more I feel as if I'm wasting time. On friday I was told over and over by the same person who told me when I first started here that I am too smart to be a para and that I should go to law school. It feels good to hear it but I just don't see myself practicing. From time to time I feel as if I'm not exercising my mind for this job doesn't challenge me anymore. I am not considering leaving my field of study completely, to do what I have no idea. Today I'll be her and who knows how much longer? I need a change of venue, I need to spark this life which thrills me not up and I need to set a deadline on my wait for jobs I have applied to get back to me.
Until then I'm pushing it.
~Kira

Everything is everything and happens for a reason...

Wow I like have nothing to say now...

Nah I can probably rant a little.

I just took a shower to wash away the dirt from my skin and my mind just starts to flow like the water flows, but now that I sit to write its like a constant "struggle" a "fight"

Here we go...

So as I stood there naked in the shower because that's the way it goes I wash my arms and not to forget my toes.

This is how it always goes, I start to think and I talk to myself.

Crazy yes please for appetizers, main course and desert.

I talk to myself for I believe no one can really listen no one will understand but yet there are many who probably do. The blogging started off hard but has been reassured.

Last week I was in a rut and blogged about it and felt better, the words just flowed.

I know im all over the place but that is the confusions place.

Here we go again...

So I feel as if my life is here but not all there who is it that I fear...Myself screams out who the fuck cares?

I can't remember a thought from the shower yet it flowed so well, maybe I should blog in the shower.

...All over I tell you im all over the place

Welcome to my mind its just crazy how it works or lack there of use. I may be smart but far from book smarts. I refuse to exercise my mind to make it mine. Whose is it? Me says "in dew time" :) look I can rhyme.

Ok ok ok...

So I went out tonight after bumping into my ADA on Wednesday. I was told to come out for her b-day celebration and I had no plans, also I had not tried bubble tea. <--Highly recommended by me.

So today or really yesterday I decide to go and I am introduced to two new things and a whole brain full of inspiration. It was with me in the shower but now it needs to be analyzed. I need to stop waiting to blog for I lose my thoughts in the water.

I thank Ellen for her motherly yet not motherlike speech to me. I also want to thank her friend that I met, im horrible with names.

This shall be continued and put into a form of writing to be understood.

~5 days
This week has been a week of pensiveness yet not one thought stood out for me to focus on. Feeling blah all week yet masking it for myself because there was no depression involved nor stress, so it was just blah. I think I need a vacation from my self conscious and a body out reach from the world. My bills although unappealing bother me not but for what ever reason I float without purpose this week. My mind refuses to drift but remains a float, I cannot drown my life preserver, which I'm sure I did not grab is wrapped tightly around my neck. I remain alive but in an ocean of thoughts not able to purify this salt water. I refuse to tread water and I do not look to be saved but eventually my waves shall carry me to shore so I can walk again. I love walking on the rocks and pieces of wood which try to puncture my feet but my feet are tough for I wear no shoes and barefoot is how I stand.
~kira

The morning me hates the night self for the morning me must wake up and go to work while the night self gets to relax. They never are to one another for they know they must coexist together, but there is an under lining contempt. Without the night self the morning me wouldn't have anything to do because the night self is where the brain is most knowledgeable. Although the morning me can make rational decisions and coincide with people he lacks the ability to contain the pensive nature of night self. They understand one another and rarely get that chance to work together but they do complement each other, for without one the other would perish.

Why am I on this planet surrounded by these aliens called humans? Why was I placed her on this earth? My research is in vain, for I must have lost my criteria. I cannot understand what it is that these humans mean or do. Send me my lesson plan so that I may continue on my research or send me my rescue team so I may return to a home which means more to me.

Welcome to the restless day and night of nothingness. You work 9 - 5 but then what? You go home and nothing is accomplished on a productive standpoint as you sit there. You look not at a wall but at a screen, a screen that projects images meant for your entertainment, but you are only entertained for short brief moments at a time before he speaks to you. Who is this person who is not there because you are alone? It is yourself that will not leave you alone. Yourself who is the restless one, the one that requires more from you, requires you to get up and entertain him; who is you. This you is very troubled and very determined but can't get his way without his counterpart. He wants out but you hold him in, which one is to be the leader? You need to allow the other to take the lead a bit for he knows what is needed or at least he thinks he does, so follow a while. Welcome to the family you are me.

Little Big Planet

I have owned the video game little big planet some months back now and enjoyed playing as well as listening to the music which they have chosen for their game. I not so long ago fell in love with one song in particular, a song that just touched me for some reason although I knew not the words. I put the soundtrack on my phone and would listen to it at work and every time the song would play I would have to play it again and again. One day I decided to ask some co-workers to translate is because I thought of it to be a language not too far from Spanish and I was way off of course. I then proceeded to look it up and realized it originated in Africa. The song and the beat just really pumps within my blood. Anywho, today I was on the train listening to my music on a random play cycle and the song beats within my blood. I decided I have had enough and wanted to know more about the song, so on my blackberry I google'd the name of the song, only to find out that it was the heart of some controversy. Instead of reading or doing further research on my phone since I had come to my stop, I waited till I got home. Now that I am home I find out that some people complained to ps3 and the makers of the game for the song that was chosen to be played in certain levels. Aparently they are words taken from the Quran.

The words are:

1- In the 18th second: “كل نفس ذائقة الموت” (”kollo nafsin tha’iqatol mawt”, literally: ‘Every soul shall have the taste of death‘).

2- Almost immediately after, in the 27th second: “كل من عليها فان” (”kollo man alaiha fan”, literally: ‘All that is on earth will perish’).

This was posted by someone anomosly telling sony that they were highly offended as well as any other Muslim. After further research I was entertained with the knowledge that it is frowned upon for the words of the Quran to be put within songs.

http://gunsaullus.com/little-big-planet-delayed/

Anyways I rather enjoy the song and the beat is just amazing. If I can boldly comment on the versus which are found offending. UMMMMM!!!! As a realist which I am which stands no part in my opinion. I believe that we shall all die one day and frankly nothing to my knowledge lives forever.

Will not elaborate on that but I will promote this artist.

http://www.myspace.com/toumanidiabate

The song that is in question or stiring up the controversy is called Tapha Niang.

Think positively she says...what is that supposed to mean? I'm a Pessimistic-Optimist and that's only because I'm a realist. Whomever believes the world is sugar coated shall never see the reality of the world. Shit happens in life and with that we learn to cope or adapt to the negatives in life and that's as positive as it gets. Living life in fear is just a waste of a life for we shall all die one day. When that day will come, no one can really say for sure. So stay there on your deathbed as I push life to a limit. A limit that can always be surpassed. The day the limits have been reached is the day I am looking up at the inside coffin. Welcome yourself to life when ever you are ready but beware of the last stop on the train.

As I sit in this car with two faces I have known for a while, I remain silent. Thoughts flow through my mind, but nothing I wish to share. Feeling as if there is nothing to say I say exactly that. Pensive for so long now and yet there is no resolution.