Enslaved in a "free" country

Watching Anthony Bourdain... I just start to get the thinking. Something about the way he does it just makes it so right, almost in the way of putting me to tears. Anthony makes me feel enslaved, Enslaved in a way where there is no freedom for me. I find myself wondering how I can do what it is that he does because he is truly happy, to hear him talk is to read one of the greatest books about some mystical place in the universe, which is not only great but unreachable... But, they all are.

What is it that keeps so many Americans in fear of flying the coupe? I have thought this over and over again, the thing I come up with is the hold of the American Culture which is based upon a mindset of not happiness but wealthiness. Is money important? Of course it is but how important is it? Its not everything, it can't be everything and yet in society we live like its the only thing there is to life, but is this our fault? I want to say no and I will, America has formulated in our minds that without money we are in a line heading to that bench, staircase or even floor in the train station for shelter. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't life be lived carefree and happy? Is this irresponsible? I haven't traveled no where near as much as Anthony and probably never get there but with the little I have taken I have been touched in a way I can't explain. Although I have not done it right yet but I have been doing it as much as I can. As much as I can? Is there to be a limit on doing this? Yes there is money, right?

Why is it that people are happier in other countries? Don't get me wrong im sure a lot of people are more miserable than my writing may be indicating with me but thats not what im aiming for, I just think that there is so much out in the world and not enough time to see it all. I guess it all comes down to "Fear". The Fear of not being willing or capable to see these places, its a fear that makes me think in my head "If I leave to travel, when I return I shall be even further down the ladder of "success" than when I left" WHY? C'mon, why is it that Europeans, Australians, and Canadians can do it but most Americans never take that "RISK". A "Risk" to see something new, different, unique, fulfilling and grow as an individual? For fuckz-sake. I want to experience life... This isn't life here, its the same shit over and over. I don't even speak another language, WTF... I should know at least two and why not? Shit I don't even blame the schooling, I blame myself for not wanting it more, For not pushing myself to want it more than it being a necessity. I am more angry with not allowing myself to do these things and I will hate myself if I don't allow myself to just travel, to live Thai (Free). Yea to be free... To break the shackles of the enslavement in which I was born into and allow my "freedom" to show and be enjoyed. I need this more than anything in life, I am slowly starting to feel inhuman and I don't although comfortable feel as if this is a fulfilling way of living.

I shall set myself free... I only hope my one fear which I have pinpointed can be overcome and before it is too late. (My fear of not allowing myself to be free.)

~Kira~

*Chaos*
I have realized that I am a very miserable person... Emotions expressed have become something for me to detest. What have I become? I'm starting to look at myself and my actions, to see something monstrous. Trying to gauge myself and think more like a human has become a task, a task that I'm not able to do. I am dead emotionally and becoming even more as time goes on. I have pinpointed this to my childhood, but then again I wasn't always like this. *sigh* I feel dead and my interactions with people have become somewhat like a dream... I miss my childhood when I was free, for now I am a slave to my zombie state of mind. I can't say I like the person I have become but I can also not say that I am completely dissatisfied or surprised. I live like I'm in a hell of which I do not believe and walk around like I'm dead already. Traveling is the only thing that seems to bring me back to myself.
~ Kira

Sipping...

Often times I find my self just sitting, chillin, relaxing but thinking... Yea here I am just sipping on a Heineken and the television watches me as I stare at my computer screen. To know there is so much at my finger tips but not knowing what to look up or to read, I remain ignorant. What a waste of time and so I blog. I have been trying to get better at this blogging thing but I fail to pull together the will of just letting my fingers do what they do. I have also been thinking lately of writing and writing all sorts of things, from a screen play to things about my travels, yet I never motivate myself to do so. I continue sipping... I feel the alcohol enter my body and change what normally goes on... Its a buzz I feel.

~It can all go wrong anyways anytime
To live life in fear or concern of what could, might and probably will happen, is to not live at all. No one can prevent what is inevitably going to occur, yes we can prepare, but to prepare a lifetime for something that doesn't is to have wasted valuable time. I know I know better to be safe than sorry but who really becomes sorry for something that has happened to them. Now thinking about that phrase "you'll be sorry" it doesn't appeal to me, for if I do something I'm not supposed to do and something goes wrong, I have had the results of my actions not sorrow. Yes I should have never done it but I'm not sorry I did, kinda wish either I could have listened or I have just learned from my mistakes. I like learning from my mistakes. Living life in the moment and not in a future that isn't promised just seems to be more fulfilling to me. Today is & tomorrow is not here.