I find myself just about to the point of no return it's now put up or shut the fuck up...
Finaly I'm ready to start thinking about probably the hardest thing I will ever do in my life and I don't know if it will work or if I shall fail but it's something I just want to do. Having no set time to leave makes me nervous I will only put it off some more but I just can't now.
There is nothing for me to even care about which should keep me here, No ties means no excuses.
Where?
When?
How?
What?
The Where can be anywhere as long as something is set for me to do. (Work, Train, Study, etc..)
The When is yet to be determined but I would like for it to be soon like in the next 6 months.
The How is tough because I don't have much money to fall back on and I just don't know honestly.
The What is the interesting part because its everything I want.
Now I have put it on the back burner after my first little bump that I hit and I totally put it away and embraced a full season of snowboarding. There are no regrets on that one at all because this has been the most amazing winter ever for me and I felt so good about myself during the time I have met and ridden.
As my season comes to an end and although its saddening I must continue towards the next step that lies in front of me and the biggest accomplishment I think I will ever have to go on.
Silencio!
That's my way of letting me know that I need to stop chit chatting about my plans and just put them into motion in a covert operation. I need not talk to people about what I want to do anymore because there has been no sight of my moving which makes me feel like I'm just talking about a dream I never want to make become reality. Well I say FUCK THAT!!!! No one needs to hear a word of my journey, I am considering leaving and letting people find out as I am already gone or at the airport on the way out. Now that would be cool...
This has helped me before and I look to it again.
I shall return...
~Kira~
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Something has to give...
I am in a constant struggle with myself to find a state of Zen...
This form of being is very difficult to achieve and my surroundings make it even harder. I need to change this position I am in, I have been at my job 4 years now and I have nothing to show for it. I could go on complaining about it but what's the point? Its my own fault getting stuck here...
I challenge myself with trying to find this "Zen" but weakness within me and my will is constantly broken which holds me from obtaining this goal. I need a change but there is just so much that holds me from being able to do something about it. Money seems to be the main reason, lack of motivation and Just not knowing what it is I want to do.
Today I had a meeting with my Bureau Chief and Supervisor and they both see what I know... This job just isn't challenging and I am quite frankly "Bored" as my Bureau chief stated. Why deny it? Its all true. I was asked "What are you going to do about that?" My reply "I don't know" I need to leave here and by here I mean not only the job but the State and even the country. The only problem I'm having with this is money and every time I think "Hey il just get another job" I realize I don't have any skills.... Of course I have skills but I really can't figure out what they are or how to put them to use in another job.
I get so frustrated thinking like that because I know its negative and I know that I am doing absolutely nothing about it but when I think about it, I start to believe it and ask myself "Why did I ever major in CJ?" I know I'm smart but I often just feel so dumb and I'm not doing anything about that either. Maybe I am lazy, not at work but for myself. That seems to be it I'm lazy for myself. Lack of motivation to actually do something for myself and to take control over the personal.
Maybe its the job, maybe its me and maybe its my surroundings. I think they all contribute to my state of limbo and somethings has to give.
Somehow I need to figure out what it is I want because that just seems to be the most difficult task I'm faced with and make it happen.
This form of being is very difficult to achieve and my surroundings make it even harder. I need to change this position I am in, I have been at my job 4 years now and I have nothing to show for it. I could go on complaining about it but what's the point? Its my own fault getting stuck here...
I challenge myself with trying to find this "Zen" but weakness within me and my will is constantly broken which holds me from obtaining this goal. I need a change but there is just so much that holds me from being able to do something about it. Money seems to be the main reason, lack of motivation and Just not knowing what it is I want to do.
Today I had a meeting with my Bureau Chief and Supervisor and they both see what I know... This job just isn't challenging and I am quite frankly "Bored" as my Bureau chief stated. Why deny it? Its all true. I was asked "What are you going to do about that?" My reply "I don't know" I need to leave here and by here I mean not only the job but the State and even the country. The only problem I'm having with this is money and every time I think "Hey il just get another job" I realize I don't have any skills.... Of course I have skills but I really can't figure out what they are or how to put them to use in another job.
I get so frustrated thinking like that because I know its negative and I know that I am doing absolutely nothing about it but when I think about it, I start to believe it and ask myself "Why did I ever major in CJ?" I know I'm smart but I often just feel so dumb and I'm not doing anything about that either. Maybe I am lazy, not at work but for myself. That seems to be it I'm lazy for myself. Lack of motivation to actually do something for myself and to take control over the personal.
Maybe its the job, maybe its me and maybe its my surroundings. I think they all contribute to my state of limbo and somethings has to give.
Somehow I need to figure out what it is I want because that just seems to be the most difficult task I'm faced with and make it happen.
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