Do I wait or do I look?

Confusion is the word that makes me what I am within a pensive state of mind. Nearing my vacation and nearing my "Finding Myself" Trip. I am going on 3 years at my job in which im surrounded by people who are within their career jobs and I am stranded. I refuse to get upset for there is no reason to get upset of depressed about it, but I am stuck in a position of not knowing. What is it I want to do when I grow up? and when do I grow up? Ahhhh... Age is age I really don't care, but I would like an idea of what I would like to do. I have applied to a couple of jobs but that is now a waiting game. I welcome the challenge of not knowing and not understanding but do I really need this career? I would like to have something where im a zombie till I retire being one, or do I? Thailand shall be my journey to knowing a little more about the not knowing. One thing I would like to do better is write and today I was given the idea of working on it because I don't find myself so strong of a writer. The excuses I make sometimes for myself are just pathetic and just a waste of my time which is why I have decided to blog. I go long periods without blogging and I will make a concious effort to do more as much as possible. Screenplay shall be started and also experiences. Might as well do it now I have my mac no excuses huh?

~Kira

Take everything

I sit here watching the travel channel just hoping to go everywhere, but lack of money holds me back. I make sacrifices but there has to be something else that will allow me to get out there and see what it is I would like to see. I shall take it a few steps at a time. I need so sharpen up on my history of the places in which I am going to visit. There are so many things out there that I cannot settle for what is within my reach, I need to strive for what seems unobtainable. After Thailand I shall realize what it is I need to do in my life, whether that be continuing in my field of study or finding something else to make me whole. I am starting to realize that life is all about making the self as happy as it can be. Too many people dwell on the bad things in life and allow it to stress and depress them. I often reflect back on my college days around Junior/Senior year when I came to the realization that I didn't think I knew how to have fun anymore. I have some how molded myself into someone who no longer allows stress to enter my life. I have been able to do this by not allowing myself to let others negativity influence me into following the human part of nature which gets stressed. I like the person I have been becoming but also afraid of the long term effects my transition may have on me. Fuck it! I am living life to my most extreme which I shall never know until I reach it and then I will push it even more. Tired of waiting around its time to go. DR, LONDON and DUBLIN Here I come. 

I have recently stumbled upon this site that has shown me 50 things to do before I die. I have done some of the 50 but this is just adding to my bucket list. 

http://thetravelersnotebook.com/activity-guide/50-things-to-do-before-you-die/

No one really understands...

I am a very introverted person when it comes to my personal feelings, but every now and then I like to see what kind of reaction I can get out of those who want to know. So every so few I pick a "concerned" soul and let them have a taste of what flows through the lumps and curls of my brain, I soon realize that either im crazy or people don't nor can't understand. I don't see myself as being more intellectual than others but I am very different. My mind moves in ways that I cannot grasp a hold. I remain pensive at all times even in mid conversation my mind moves a mile a minute. Why is it that people choose to try and understand what they can't? They refuse to say they have no idea of what it is I say but they try to offer information or feedback and it comes back as nothing. Maybe I just don't value the feedback given to me but im very open for constructive critism. I have never wanted to fit in to the society which I watch as it plays in front of my eyes or what I think it is im seeing...This can only go on forever but it will be continued in a later time.

So today is a day I have chosen to relax, to remain silent and enjoy the pensive mind at work. Its a peaceful laid back day at work with minimal noise because many who have religious beliefs for the most part have taken off. So as I sit here clearing my desk I enjoy the sounds of Classical artists. I spend most of my times putting up with the crap that most people listen to but today I have decided to unwind a bit. Drinking my tea which soothes the insides. Last night I watched the beach again, I can't wait to go to thailand. Although I shall be out of country in less than a month only Thailand seems to excite me. Its so necessary to figure out this jigsaw-rubix cube-maze of a life, but not entirely for that would leave no element of surprise. Why Thailand? I say why not? "If that's the way its got to be, then so be it"

As an adult that is straight forward like myself I have become quite fed up with the games that some females choose to engage in. I mean I'm not going to lie just daggering is what I'm trying to involve myself in so I don't want the beating around the bush, either ur in or ur not. I have seriously been chilling with way too many young chicks and not young in age but young in their sense of thinking. I just need to open the ramping shop only serious customers. no play play time...

I'm interested in seeing how my trip to DR shall play out. I'm hearing stories which intrigue me a bit but I will have to see how much of which are true. I just can't wait to hit the beach and enjoy beautiful salt water. I'm rolling with a first timer outside the country vacationer, so that should also be interesting. Tons of drinking shall occur. I'm not even into my first vaca and I'm thinking about a next.