Something has to give...

I am in a constant struggle with myself to find a state of Zen...

This form of being is very difficult to achieve and my surroundings make it even harder. I need to change this position I am in, I have been at my job 4 years now and I have nothing to show for it. I could go on complaining about it but what's the point? Its my own fault getting stuck here...

I challenge myself with trying to find this "Zen" but weakness within me and my will is constantly broken which holds me from obtaining this goal. I need a change but there is just so much that holds me from being able to do something about it. Money seems to be the main reason, lack of motivation and Just not knowing what it is I want to do.

Today I had a meeting with my Bureau Chief and Supervisor and they both see what I know... This job just isn't challenging and I am quite frankly "Bored" as my Bureau chief stated. Why deny it? Its all true. I was asked "What are you going to do about that?" My reply "I don't know" I need to leave here and by here I mean not only the job but the State and even the country. The only problem I'm having with this is money and every time I think "Hey il just get another job" I realize I don't have any skills.... Of course I have skills but I really can't figure out what they are or how to put them to use in another job.

I get so frustrated thinking like that because I know its negative and I know that I am doing absolutely nothing about it but when I think about it, I start to believe it and ask myself "Why did I ever major in CJ?" I know I'm smart but I often just feel so dumb and I'm not doing anything about that either. Maybe I am lazy, not at work but for myself. That seems to be it I'm lazy for myself. Lack of motivation to actually do something for myself and to take control over the personal.

Maybe its the job, maybe its me and maybe its my surroundings. I think they all contribute to my state of limbo and somethings has to give.

Somehow I need to figure out what it is I want because that just seems to be the most difficult task I'm faced with and make it happen.