response to a post on Gizmodo

It's interesting how many people are afraid to accept the fact that people are different and have different views about life. To be completely honest I respect someone willing to take on the challenge of a struggle like this. I work a 9-5 job and I have frankly become fed up with it, im planning on doing the same. Since I suck at writing or at least I think so myself I doubt I will be writing to feed myself but I will definitely leave the grasps of the US.

There is a huge difference in someone being lazy and someone just realizing that life as it is isn't all it needs to be. It's a shame how many people here in America can think exactly the same, let me not generalize and just say the Tri-State area since that is where I reside. Frankly once you travel your eyes are open to more than just what the media portrays life to be.

Not many Americans travel so its hard to have them understand that things are different outside and no the grass isn't green, its just different. You have a routine life where you simply exist in a world that is far greater than you and then you have the stimultion of life which I believe is experience to travel. I say go for it man there are few people who could do it if they so wanted to because they will never admit to it, you will alway be a lazy, underachieving and selfish person in their eyes but hey the world is based on judgements so let them judge.

Am I wrong because I think differently? Am I inhuman because I choose not to feel as much as the next? Am I crazy for questioning things rather than taking them as is because someone has said for them to be? Is being a realist soooo bad?

When I walk through life with no real care in the world or fear of death it doesn't mean I am unaware of the dangers that life has to offer it merely means I just choose not to waste time with pointless roadblocks.

Care? How does one show Care?

Can one not be caring without directly showing it?

I believe the answer to that is yes because there is such a thing as tough love and there is also something that cannot be seen but felt instead, its kinda like love. I don't believe in love well maybe just not for a person or at least not yet. Really to be honest I don't know what that means , the way its described seems like it should feel the way I feel when I sat atop Wayna Picchu staring out into the what seemed like endless mountains, It should feel how I felt when I stood at Iguazu Falls and stared at the powerfulness of the water crashing down into a pool that had been beaten upon endlessly in order to just become one... For this reason I don't know love because I don't feel that with people, can I feel that with a person? Maybe but my personality is a bit to come through.

Everyday "We" are judged, "We" are seen from the outside rather than the in, "We" are seen for what we choose to wear that very morning. It's a shame that life has become soooo Superficial, the constant worry about appearances and attitude.

I don't care but the society makes me care at times, it does I cannot lie and then I stop caring or go back to normal. What sucks is when you don't care and others do care you get left out to dry... meaning making a meaningful relationship gets missed out on and opportunities don't exist.

I contain the ability to feel like a normal human being but I also contain the ability to deliver it as I please...

~Kira

Time continues to tick away at me and I have no idea what I am doing...

I know what I want to do but since one door has closed I seem to be standing there with a door in my face instead of knocking it down or choosing a new one.

Confused at the situation im in right now, I choose to do nothing and this upsets me the most...

I have been thrown a bone as to what I need to do in order to get something I want but I have yet to nibble, What the fuck am I doing?

Have I given up?

I really don't know but it does feel as if I have given up.

Motivation doesn't seem to exist with me and so I blog yet again... Needing motivation I turn to my blog to push me out on that ledge.

What has happened to me?

I only wish I knew the answer to this question, my mind has been going in so many directions lately and I have no clue as to what I am to do or do I?

The only thing I can do is to go back on my word and look forward to something I know that I will enjoy, Snowboarding.

Snowboarding has been my out for the last few years, it has allowed me the ability of escape.

I have just completed one of the most amazing weekends of my life in a long time but it also leaves me pensive.

Maybe I do want "more" this more is something I will not blog about but I shall think about, who knows what will come of me?

I only hope that what ever choice I have to make, I make it sooner than later I need to do something. I am slowly dying inside and there is no one I can turn to... Constantly I think of taking another trip out of this country that seems to hold me in its evil grasps but fuck the noise I have to escape.

Recently I have re-established communication with a friend of mine and it has been great conversing with her but she offers very little towards my confusion... I do require her company though even if it isn't physical, the physical will come soon with someone else but until then she is my social escape that I require at the moment.

I need something more though and I want it now...

~Kira

...

Where do I stand at the moment?

My lack of motivation to do just about anything leaves me at a standstill...

What is it about me that makes me so unmotivated to get out and just do something? I can't seem to figure it out at all, its like I only have energy or the spirit to do something when it takes place elsewhere.

This has got to change...

I need to make myself get into that routine I so often hate to be apart of, I need to set up a schedule of things to do and follow that schedule. This could work out pretty good because I may be able to actually learn something and spark an interest in something else.

My feelings resembles something like being in a hole but not a deep hole just deep enough that I would have to lift my body weight to get out and I can but I just don't. I remain in my hole looking out but all I do is watch the feet as they walk by, uninterested in me they continue to walk on by and I have no concern for them either...

I shall start a list today...

~~Kira

Lightning and the thunder that follows...

What is it about lightning and thunder that I love so much?

For a long time now I have always fancied thunder showers and thought anything less was a waste. Rain without lightning and thunder is just an annoyance... I love the way the darkness is illuminated by a flash of light and a calm of the rain coming down is woken up by a thunderous crash. I find a peacefulness to it all, there haven't been many thunderstorms in NY lately and I find that rather sad. Last night the thundershower was great but I was preoccupied with other things which didn't allow me the chance to enjoy it. Today there seems to be another thundershower in the works so I have decided to sit on the porch and watch but it seems to calm. I find this upsetting because I really do enjoy the feeling of lightning getting closer and closer. A car alarm is screaming for someone to calm him in the distance, he must have been alarmed by the boom of the sky but no one comes to his aid. I think I have missed yet another storm and there is a calm which is soothing but not what I want at the moment. The alarm has either been silenced or he no longer sees a reason to be scared. I constantly tell people I want to experience a tornado and they look at me as if im crazy, Why? Something as beautiful as only nature can put together is fascinating to me. Of course I don't cherish the tragedy that goes along with the power but it is something to be humble about.

Maybe im just not normal and of course I know this to be true but fuck being normal if life is meant to be lived in the safety of a cocoon never having to worry about a thing.

~Kira

Am I ready?

I don't know if I'm ready for anything that I put myself into... I recently just told my friend that I am living my life as if I'm going to die in 5 years. What better way to live life eh? The reason I have chosen to do this is to get myself to live my life in a more fulfilling way. My life is not something to just have lived for you but to be lived by you. There is just so much more I want from life and I want to do it now rather than later...

Give me a break its my first blog post in a while.
~Kira

I remain emotionless...

Time is pushing forward yet I remain emotionless about my trip to South East Asia, I don't normally get excited about a trip till I'm at the airport and sometimes as late as touching down in a foreign country. Maybe I'm ready and my body just knows it but wait "YOUR GOING ALONE!!!", Still nothing. I smile at the idea of my trip and I'm very happy to be going but I feel as if I should be having a nervous emotion or something, eh maybe not. Could it be that I'm fully prepared and ready for anything that I shall be faced with? Nah because I don't know what I am to encounter upon my visit to these foreign lands far far away from home. Eh maybe it's just me being me emotionless and numb to the idea of something until it becomes a reality. All in all I can't wait to see what the experience shall be...

...

I am so confused right now...

Labeling this year operation get the fuck out of here has put me in a situation of confusion since I can't figure out what it is I want to do anymore. I thought I had an Idea but sitting around and waiting just doesn't seem to make sense... I want to become knowledgeable of something new, but what?

I can't seem to put my feet down, It's like I'm an inch from the ground and I just can't touch down.... I just float an inch away stretching my toes to find a place to stand but I am limited in reach.

I have no idea what I want to do anymore and just picking up and leaving may not be a bad idea but its not really a good idea... I know I will bounce back from what ever I put myself in but there is this uncertainty (Fear if I may) that holds me in this routine. "Everyone is a slave to routine" C&H

How do I begin? I have tried talking to people but I can take no teaching from those who have it all figured out (Or think they do), The only people I relate to are those in the same need of answers as myself.

I am vulnerable at the moment...

It's weird to see me even able to say something like that but it flows from my finger tips so smoothly, it has to be true. There is a fear here, a fear that keeps me here, a fear that makes me aware of all the bad things in which I don't really care, but I guess I kinda do...

Something has to change...

I need some time but I don't want to use up too much, for too much means too late and too late will be a Failure. I want something more from life and I'm struggling to find what that something is but eventually I hope I will.

~kira

Positivity has definitely found a small spot within my inner core but confidence continues to slip away...

Constantly trying to find a place to stand, somewhere to call home.

It's hard to explain the thoughts that drown my mind and even harder to pull out the stopper which fills the bath...

The challenge in this dilemma I face is not really having someone to voice my thoughts with, I just don't feel as if I am close enough to anyone to explain the feelings within.

Never being one to wear his heart on his sleeve I believe I have somehow misplaced it...

I don't know if I even want it back but my inner sociopath will become my psychopath.

~Kira

There is a strain on myself which is myself...

This strain has a both a negative and a positive hold on me, it is my yin and my yang...

Trying to fight against it is like a never ending tug-a-war...

Although there seems to be a balance something always seems to out weigh the other...

My yin and yang don't seem to make up a circle but a shape that is unrecognizable as is my personality...

I welcome a challenge and yet I now take very few, I fear very little but the few I have hold me back from doing what I should, I am thick skinned but very weak in many other ways, I know so much but ignorance flows through my words...

Where is my center ground? How do I get my feet back down? Gravity continues to lift me into a dream, a dream Id just rather not have for it doesn't allow me to see clearly.

Knowing what I want and not being able to obtain is failure...

When will my rubber band pop? Will straining this tension band until it finally gives make me free?

All these questions can be answered with the first step taken, then a follow through of a swing, a break away at whats ahead and landing with both feet on the ground.

First I need to come back down off of the gravity less cloud I sit... My legs still work or at least I think they do and all I need is to wiggle that big toe...

Talk is going to be very cheap with a goal set...

~ Kira