New Years...

So another year is winding away to an end and with this comes resolutions...

I haven't really done the resolution thing, I'm sure I have blurted something out to a group when it was asked in past years but I never really think to have one. This year I am considering thinking of something that I could possibly want to change...

No I'm not perfect, I am very far from it and probably more imperfect than the average person. I think I really need to alter somethings in my life though and I hope that I can. I have changed and become something that is even unrecognizable to even me. Who am I anymore? I have asked this question many times over and over and I just cant figure it out.

I stay awake at night because it is when I feel I can grasp a hold on myself, a hold that maybe I will be able to shake some sense into myself but there is never any such luck.

"There is an idea of a (Stephen McLeod); some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

~ Kira

I lay awake at night for it is the only time I have to myself and the only time I am able to think...
Not too sure why I find the night so comforting to myself nor why it is the only time I feel as if my brain is working to its full ability. Most of my thoughts that I have at night do not resolve the things that may arise for the day time body I send out to work and to interact with others. I believe the true me just waits for the night to show himself when no one else is around. Does this mean that I am fake all other times? I don't believe so I just think there is a clone of me, one with less personality and less function ability that walks around in the day with the rest of the day walkers. The Night walker and Day walker used to co-exist but they have become separated over time and I have no idea why. I am not whole as long as the two halves continue not to coexist with one another... The Night me has good Ideas but the day me never follows through, I need a common ground and I need it soon.

Kira!

Why do I just not want to be here?

Everyday I become more and more annoyed with the idea of being in the States.

"Just go" I am told but it's not that simple or is it?

Sometimes I just want to pick up and just go but where to and how without money?

I want to land a job in another country.

A lot of people criticize me about my idea of wanting to do something so "drastic" but it really isn't.

The whole idea of doing something like this isn't like im trying to escape anything or maybe I am and that being the rountine of everyday life.

I just want to try something else out for a while to see whether not I can leave everything behind and remain "sane".

The idea of waking up every morning and not knowing a purpose of my existence puts me in the state of uncertainty which leads me to believe that I do not belong "here". Being intrigued quite often by the differences in other cultures and just life makes me want more. Everytime i take a short break I realize more and more I just want to try a different step and get off this elevator to no where.

Who Am I? Where do I belong? I just don't fit in...

~ Kira

... There are no answers

A search only turns up empty and hope remains a foolish idea.
No sense in looking, for there is nothing to be sought out.
The idea of closure is only available in death.
There is no help and there need not be any, this is a battle that can be won alone.
Completion seems to be missing so many pieces...
Were we not born with all the pieces that make this puzzle whole?
A puzzle may not come with instructions but does contain the pieces needed to be completed...

I think I'm missing my pieces...

~Kira