Over time I have found myself drifting further and further away from society... What has caused this change within my life? I have yet to determine. Falling out of contact with human contacts who were once considered "friends" and moving on to a lifestyle often joked about

(Michael Douglas in his role as Nicholas Van Orton in The Game) "except the rich part" I would say. Now it seems this is the way I want to live, but is it? Recently I haven't believed this although inside I'm ready for it and outside preparing for it.

Back in the days I was a very joyous person, now I have become a bit more miserable and I don't think I'm enjoying it. Eh... why now? Why is it a big deal and why do I even care? I guess its the drastic change in lifestyles. If I had to pinpoint anything in particular that could have contributed to this change I would say its my "trying to fit in/to feel like a "human"". This needs to be explained because maybe I only see it this way. Here goes me trying to explain: I have never "tried to fit in" ever, I have always been a leader. Being a leader I did things my way and didn't fall into any particular group so I was an outcast yet someone who did in deed "fit in" but in so many different groups that I had no real "home".

Not having a home was no biggy for me at all because that was my home, my home as a nomad. Now I move through years of life starting in college I get surrounded by many people who were all same, different but alike. The reason I say that they were the same is because they wore their emotions on their sleeves. For me to say that it seems as if they were just emotional wrecks but not quite, they complained and let little things become issues of concern. I often excluded myself and found myself becoming more and more antisocial. When this happened to me I decided it wasn't in my character to be a judge of others but to just except and by excepting I fell into the "lifestyle", the lifestyle of unhappiness.

LOL @ "The lifestyle of unhappiness", Anyways this made me feel weird because now I was finding reason to agree with petty shit and start to join in with this nonsense. All of this got old really quick making me once again exclude myself from the grasp that this sort of Society had on these people. They were all slaves to a society of complaining, gossip and unhappiness (Although they would wear a mask of happiness from time to time).

Now here I am thinking on the matter... finding myself... looking for answers... Trying to regain control over me.... I am a slave, a slave to what I have allowed society to do to that 5 year old boy of happiness. (If I remember I shall do a blog on the 5 year old who has died) <--- my reminder. Why is it a task to be happy now? Why do I feel the only way I can really deal with people is with a social lubricant? I know I don't but I do. I find myself talking and thinking at the same time not allowing the moment to be... I want to regain my sanity, for my insanity has captured me as does the Symbiote... (Another piece)